IT LOOKS GOOD ON PAPER

No one of us likes to admit that we are wrong. What we like even less is to admit that we have sinned, that we have deliberately hurt another. And all sin is deliberate and intentional, never accidental. But when called on the carpet, we look for an excuse. And the standard excuse is that it is always someone else's fault.

Perhaps what is even worse than our unwillingness to admit to our sinfulness is that we also believe that we do not have to do any penance for our sins. All we have to do is own up to them and we are off the hook. We want to have our cake and eat it, enjoy it, as well. We want to blame someone else for our sins or be forgiven without penalty or both, preferably both. Sin looks good on paper, as they say, but sin is not a paper product but a person product and is real.

There is only one problem: we are not in charge of forgiveness. No matter how hard we try, we cannot forgive ourselves. It doesn't work that way. The only person who can forgive us is the person we have hurt. And we can only be forgiven by first admitting that we have hurt another and then asking that person to forgive us. There is no such thing as self-forgiveness.

So often, I think, when we think about forgiveness, we think about hard it is for us to forgive someone who has hurt us. Often it is very difficult to do so, especially when the hurt is deep and cutting. But how often do we put the shoe on the other foot? How often do we think about how difficult it is for the person we have deliberately hurt to forgive us? Lest we forget, forgiveness is a two-way street.

The reason why we have such a difficult time asking the person we hurt to forgive us is that in doing so we come face to face with shame. That is why shame is such a perilous gift. It looks good on paper, in spiritual books and essays, to say, "Forgive and ask for forgiveness." We've all tried it and we've all found it difficult and shameful -- difficult to forgive others and shameful to ask forgiveness. That is where the grace of God and the support of the community comes in. It takes grace to grant forgiveness and to overcome shame. It also takes grace to admit that what we desire from another -- forgiveness -- we must also grant to the other.

Once we have the courage to look into that mirror and restrain ourselves from smashing it so that we do not ever again have to look on the face of a sinner, then we can begin to reshape our lives. It is a slow process, but a grace-filled one. It is also a community process because we cannot do it alone. If we have the courage to both forgive and ask forgiveness, so will others.

It will never, ever, be easy for them or for us. Jesus died on the cross so that our sins would be forgiven. Yet God's forgiveness is only half the process. The other half is in our hands and in our hearts. Forgiveness will never be easy, nor should it be. Shame will always be with us, as it should be. We grow as a person and as a church only to the extent that we are willing to forgive and willing to admit our guilt and ask for forgiveness.