ALL OF THIS IS BEYOND ME, WAY BEYOND

Sometimes when I am in a quiet mood, I try to reflect on God.  After I finish my reflection, I almost always wonder why I began in the first place because I no closer to understanding God then than I was when I started. I begin by trying to imagine the time when there was just only God, nothing else: no sun or moon or stars, no universe, no people or animals or trees, just nothing.

That is easy. But then comes the hard part: how did God get there in the beginning? How was the Creator created? Back when I was studying philosophy and hating every minute of it – (okay, I only appreciated philosophy when I studied theology, but that’s another story) – we reviewed Thomas Aquinas’s five proofs for the existence of God, one of which was God was the Uncaused First Cause. In other words, somebody had to start all of this, and that was God.

That, of course, assumed that one believed in God in the first place. If not, there is always the Big Bang Theory, namely, that all of this was created out of nothing. But, then, we know that nothing comes from nothing. So back to the Uncaused First Cause, which still leaves me scratching my head. But, when I get passed that dilemma, and I do quite quickly, I come to the personal part of my reflection and stand back in amazement.

And wonder. I wonder how my God, whom I believe loves me individually and personally, can really care about my petty cares and concerns when God has to be concerned about the cares and concerns of the other eight billion plus people in this world. I have enough problems caring about the people I love. Try eight billion for starters! Boggles the imagination.

And that’s exactly what happens every time I think deeply about God. My mind is bewildered. I quickly realize that God is beyond me, way beyond. All of it. What has happened is that I just don’t go there anymore. Yes, I would like to understand my God, but I cannot and cannot even come close, and never will, no matter how hard I try or how many books I read or how deep my personal reflections become. It’s all beyond me, way, way, way beyond me.

And that’s okay. Does God love me just as I am? No. Why do I know that? Because I know I don’t love me just as I am. I am selfish and sinful like everyone else and my/our responsibility is to become less of that and more loving and caring. I know that. I don’t just believe that. I also know that God has given and continues to give me whatever grace and strength I need to do so.

In the end, trying to understand God is like to trying to understand love. I often wonder why my wife loves me given that I know me. It’s beyond me. But she does, and that’s all that matters. And when I think about God, all that matters is that I know God loves me.