FEELINGS

For a while now I have mostly put aside spiritual and theological reading and substituted it with Agatha Christie, David Baldacci, Sue Grafton and the like: mystery and detective stories. It’s been enjoyable. The other day I told Arlena that I started to feel a little guilty not reading serious stuff but books for pure entertainment. She replied that since I had been doing the serious reading for sixty years or so, I need not feel guilty.

Easier said than done, at least on my end. What may be even worse is that in the process of reading all these basically murder mysterious is that they are filled with some bad guys and gals, some very bad ones. They are cruel and sadistically enjoy their murder and mayhem. They seem to hold no remorse for their actions. No, they hold no remorse, no seeming about it.

Then, when one of these murderous incidents takes place, my blood begins to boil. Yes, it is fiction. No real person was killed. But still. In my internal anger I want that bad person, in the end, to suffer, really suffer. And sometimes, I have to admit, I contemplate how I would administer that suffering were I the one called upon to do so. Then, when I pause to think about what I had just been thinking and contemplating, I don’t like those feelings of anger and vengeance that I had.

This is not a new revelation for me because I have been aware of it all my life. Something inside me has always wanted those who knowingly and willingly and freely commit heinous crimes to suffer and to suffer in the same way and to the same degree – and maybe even worse – than the person they harmed. Authors of fiction often make that happen, but in society it doesn’t and, what’s more, society can’t and shouldn’t.

We may want to get even, as I often do when in my readings that feeling comes over me, but when we do, we make ourselves just like the person we want vengeance upon. Actually seeking revenge only makes matters worse. Even in my stories, when the murder is avenged, the one who was the victim is not brought back to life. George Floyd was murdered in cold blood, on video for all to see, gut-wrenching and anger-inducing. And even if the perpetrator is tried, convicted and executed, George Floyd is still dead.

Unfortunately, when our emotions, our gut feelings are aroused and we allow them to get out of control, bad things happen. Sadly, sometimes those revengeful actions make everything worse. An eye for an eye is never the answer. For me, thankfully, when my feelings of anger or guilt or vengeance arise when I am reading fiction, I am aware of them even as I am often repelled by them.

Nevertheless, those aroused feelings are a reminder that I am quite capable of actually acting out on those feelings were the situation real. That frightens me and, if you are like me, it should frighten you as well.