GROWING OLDER

The parish my wife and I attend has a gift shop that raises funds for the parish’s outreach ministries. The Shoppe (their spelling) sells “antiques, eclectics and practicalities” according to the business cars they had out. We volunteer to manage the Shoppe for a few hours the first Saturday of each month. The business so far for us has not been great as knowledge about the Shoppe only comes from word of mouth. But they raise several thousand dollars or more each year.

To be honest, I would not be a customer so much as I would be a donator, giving the Shoppe “practicalities” we no longer want or need. That said, I did come across a mug that caught my eye only because of what was painted on it: “70 is when your body gives your brain a list of things it’s not going to do any more.” Words of wisdom from someone else’s donates practicality.

Those of us who are 70 and beyond know from experience the truth of those words of wisdom. As my Mom used to say, “When I get up in the morning and look at the person in the mirror, I wonder who that old person is.” For whatever reason our brains seem to think we are younger than we really are, and sometimes very much younger. And when we listen to our brains and not our bodies, we pay the price; and it often a very steep and painful one.

Of course, it is often a struggle to ignore what our brains are saying to us because we do not want to admit that, yes, we are growing older; and, yes, we cannot do what we once were able to do. A while back I was putting together a computer desk for my wife and I could not get it together even as I was following the directions. My son-in-law came over, picked up my screwdriver and tightened the screws that I had thought I had tightened. Halleluia! He had what I had lost because of my growing older: the physical strength to do what I used to be able to do.

The truth is, I still try to do everything I can because my brain tells me that I can. But I am learning, even if it has taken me 80 years to get the message. Growing older is a part of life. Learning what we can and what we cannot do as we age is also a part of life. Sometimes the hardest part is simply admitting we cannot do what we once could because we see it as a blow to our pride. I’ve seen all-star athletes hold on for one more year because of their pride when they were actually way past their prime.

Learning is a life-long project. Mostly we learn the hard way: not so much from our successes as from our failures. We learn what we can do and what we cannot.

On the other hand, is it not better to think we are younger that we are? I’ve seen too many old young people and not enough young old people. I think I am still of the mind to listen to my brain and pay the price of my foolishness, the coffee cup’s advice notwithstanding.

SAYING “THANK YOU”

The words flow easily and readily from our lips, most of the time: “Thank you”. Someone had done something for us, given something to us, said a kind word about us and we say to them, “Thank you”. We are not merely responding in a rote sort of way. We are sincere. We are truly thankful and so we tell the one who had blessed us in whatever way that blessing has taken place that we are indeed thankful.

There are also times in our lives when those two words almost choke us. We know they need to be said because we are almost loathe to utter them, especially to that person. A teenager angry with is parents because they said “no” to his demands only to realize later, perhaps much, much later, they were right in denying his request finds it quite difficult to say thank you: human nature and teenage rebellion rolled into one being the cause.

A co-worker who tends to drive us up the wall helps us out of a mess of our own making and words of thanks must be said; yet we find it difficult to say those words because of the person involved. Both when we are sincere in our thanks and when we sincerely wish we did not have to give thanks, the issues at hand are pride and humility.

Our pride often holds us back from saying thank you because it is an admission that we needed whatever the other has given us, blessed us with – her time, his talent, her financial resources. We would like to believe that we can do it all on our own, whatever it is that we want to do. Having to admit that we cannot and having to rely on others to help us, all of that or some of that wounds our pride and we do not like it, human nature, again, being what it is. Humility comes hard, sometimes very, very hard.

Yet even when our pride is not at stake, when we are quite thankful for what has been given us, when we are overjoyed and enthusiastically and loudly proclaim our honest thanks, humility is still front and center, whether we realize it our not. For humility is the admission that, in this life, anyway, we cannot go it alone, that we need others for us to make it through this life, for us to be the person God created us to be and the person we want to be.

There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, there is everything right. Sometimes is takes a simple act of kindness and a very simple “thank you” for us to realize just how much we need one another, how important relationships are, whatever those relationships may be. We were never meant to be alone or to go it alone. In fact, according to Genesis, God’s first observation about the creature God had created was that it was not good for this person to be alone.

Our “thank you”, no matter how willingly or how grudgingly those words come from our lips, are a reminder that we are in this together – this life, this world, even in this faith community. Our pride holds us back from full participation. It is only when we are humble enough to say “thank you” and begin to understand just what staying those two words really say that we can begin to realize just how important it is to be in communion and community with one another.

NO REGRETS

In her novel, Home, Pulitzer Prize-winning author Marilynne Robinson tells the story of two siblings who come back home to Gilead to spend some time with their aged and dying father, a retired pastor. Gloria, who is single, is a teacher who gives up her career to tend to her father because, it seems, none of her seven siblings is willing to help share the duty and, in all honesty, the burden.

Jack, the black sheep of the family, returns home unexpectedly, seemingly from out of nowhere because everyone in the family has lost track of Jack and Jack has done nothing to keep in touch. Throughout the course of the novel Robinson has Jack and Gloria reflect on what was and what might have been had they each taken different roads. It is a fascinating read and further evidence of Robinson’s skills as a writer.

During one of their conversations Jack says to Gloria, “There’s a lot I could regret….If there was any point to it.” And isn’t that the truth? The further truth is that we are all like Jack to one degree or another. We have all done things over the years that we now regret, said words that we wish we had not, not taken roads we could have and taken others we should have avoided like the plague.

We all have regrets, loads of them. Yet, as Jack opines, what’s the use in spending time regretting the mistakes we have made over the years? We cannot go back and undo what we did, reverse our course and then take the roads that would have been best for us. Life, our life has moved on. Regretting the past only keeps us riveted in the past so much so that it is difficult to live in the present.

Whenever we reflect on the past, what we are to do is learn from the past, both from the good and the bad. Regret for mistakes made and roads not taken should not be part of the reflection for, as Jack says, there is no point to it other than to replay the guilt feelings we had already put to rest as life forced us to move on, knowing that in order to live in the present, we have to let go of the past.

But we do, don’t we? We often allow regret for things done and left undone to hold us back from moving on with life. Sometimes we can become so overcome with remorse or guilt that we cease living and simply vegetate our way through the present. It is only when we come to our senses and realize that if no one else understands us and no one else forgives us for our mistakes, at least God does. And that should be enough for us to forgive ourselves. Jack, for all his waywardness, understood that.

Not only do we often allow regret to bog us down before we move on with our lives, we often demand that others show a modicum of regret for their past sinful, selfish or foolish actions before we will allow them to move on with their lives. In the process no one moves ahead.

The past is passed. It is what it was. We have learned from it. What is now and what will be is our only concern. No regrets.

EXPERIENCE IS THE KEY

If you are like me, you have strong opinions on a variety of subjects both secular and sacred. There are times when we voice those opinions loudly and clearly and there are times when we keep them to ourselves, discretion being the better part of valor. We have learned when to keep our mouths shut and our opinions to ourselves, but we do not always do so.

We are told that we should not get into arguments over religion or politics, both subjects for which we tend to have very strong opinions, but we do. We hardly ever win these arguments because we seldom convince the other that we are right and s/he is wrong because s/he is just as convinced as we about the correctness of the opinion being put forth and defended. Of course, given the strength of our convictions, we always seem to believe that we have won the argument and the other person, stubborn fool that he or she is, has lost.

In truth there is nothing wrong with debating the issues. Often that is how we learn even if it is begrudgingly. When we allow ourselves to be open to hearing what another thinks and why s/he thinks that way, we may not end up changing our minds; but at least we can understand both why there are those who disagree with us and why they do so. If it were so easy to convince people to vote Democratic, for instance, we’d all be Democrats.

In order to arrive at the truth, whatever the truth is, we have to be able to look at it from every angle. Because of innate and unrecognized (and often unadmitted) prejudices, it is often quite difficult for us to arrive at the truth. We see the truth from where we are standing and then end up standing convinced that we are right or in the right and those who disagree with us are wrong or in the wrong.

Flannery O’Conner once observed that “conviction without experience makes for harshness.” I would add that it also makes for judgment and persecution. Having been there and done that, wherever it is we have been and whatever it is we have done, always tends either to temper our opinions and convictions or make them stronger. When we know of what we speak, we are less prone to judge those who have not walked in our shoes and thus do not understand.

We have all been on both ends – judging harshly on the one hand and being the victim of another’s mean words and judgment and even persecution on the other and in either case not knowing what we or they were talking about because we both spoke from inexperience and a true lack of understanding. When we only see things from our viewpoint, we do not see the whole picture and that’s what gets us into trouble.

Experience is the key. Thus, given our inability or unwillingness to see and understand the other side, the truth seems to be that it is that only those who have walked the walk are those who can honestly talk the talk. The rest of us need to shut up and listen and learn and not be harsh, critical or judgmental. We ask that courtesy of others and others ask that of us.